An Open Letter to Family, Friends and Strangers, from an XL-sized Cyclist

Dear Everyone,

I will start by saying that I ‘ve thought about writing this letter for a long time, but have hesitated until now because I was so afraid that it would be taken as a “fat guy whining about his problem instead of getting off his butt and doing something.” I realize now that, indeed, most of you will take it that way and quickly dismiss it (if this is you, you can go ahead and click to something else now…I won’t waste any more of your time). The difference now is I am no longer bothered by that likelihood. I recognize I have a right to have and express my thoughts and feelings, whether or not anyone else in the world understands or agrees with me. I also recognize that I can love, respect and care for people, and at the same time reject their cruel judgments, theories and worldviews, all without being angry, bitter or callous. Whether or not you also recognize these things (now or later) is up to you…I can’t control that, I can only control me. In case you haven’t gathered yet, this is about me being fat (more on that word below) and most of you shaming me (intentionally, subconsciously or inadvertently) for being fat. If you care at all, read on; otherwise, have a nice life.

About Me: What Society Says I Am Versus the Cold Hard Facts

First, the cold hard facts, followed by societal myths and my attempt to correct those myths. I am a 47-year old male with a middle-class education (graduated law school) and a full-time middle-class job that I love. I also love my beautiful, intelligent, attractive wife, who also has a middle-class background and job. I have lots of friends and acquaintances, and a few very close friends whom I feel extremely blessed to have in my life. Physically and mentally I’m very healthy; I have no serious illnesses or conditions; I have no eating, drinking, tobacco, gambling or drug problems. I also happen to be fat. There are gentler synonyms, but they all mean the same thing, so why not just call it what it is? I am fat (adjective). I am a fattie (noun). I’ve never been one for cute euphemisms or denials. I’m not ashamed of being fat, and no one else should be ashamed of me, either. I am 5 feet 7 inches tall, and while I don’t know my exact weight (anymore) it has ranged between 220 and 240 pounds for a decade now. This places me well within the Obese category, medically and statistically speaking. Current medical science says an ideal weight for me would be 145 pounds; I have not weighed that amount in over 30 years, and barring my incarceration in a POW camp or other catastrophe I’ll never weigh that amount again. Fat is a good word for me…it’s short and to the point (kind of like me), and almost anyone reading the word immediately gets the picture, even non-English speakers. Unfortunately the word, and the sight of a fat person, also conjure up a whole host of assumptions about the person…most of these assumptions are either false or, at best, not necessarily true as explained below.

Societal Myth #1: Fat people (aka fatties) are lazy, slothful or unmotivated. The truth is if I am awake I am doing something, and I sleep 7-8 hours per night so I’m doing something 16-17 hours per day. My bicycle mileage total for 2018 (combined moving and stationary) was 2,789 miles. That’s the same as the road distance from LA to NYC. On average I work at my job about 50 hours per week…sometimes as little as 40, sometimes as many as 60. I have finished every century (100-mile) ride I’ve ever started, usually well ahead of dozens of skinny people much younger than me. If you consider this lazy or unmotivated, I’d like to follow you around sometime on an average day and see what you do.

Societal Myth #2: Fatties would not be fat if they would just diet and exercise. But they won’t because they have zero self-discipline. If you believe this, and the overwhelming majority of you do, please Google “diets don’t work.” You will be introduced to dozens of scientific studies proving beyond a reasonable doubt the phrase you just Googled (plus some less-scientific plugs for supplements). Exercise isn’t a silver bullet, either, and there is plenty of research available online showing this as well.

Societal Myth #3: Fatties are greedy or otherwise morally bankrupt. If they weren’t, they could just eat less and not be fat. See “diets don’t work” above. Also: in 2015 I took weeks from my schedule to embark on a fundraiser for the Ride To Conquer Cancer, raising over $5,000. Every year I donate hundreds (thousands in a good year) to charities, and volunteer my time. By any reasonable measure I’m not a greedy person. As I discuss later in this letter, over the years I’ve become so self-conscious of what I eat that I’ve developed a habit of constant comparison (especially between myself and skinny people), and the truth is I don’t eat any more or any “junkier” than other men my age.

Societal Myth #4: Fatties aren’t very bright, otherwise they would figure out how to get and stay skinny. Again, see “diets don’t work” above. Like almost all fatties, I have tried everything under the sun to lose weight. Many times I’ve succeeded in the short term, but because I am like 99% of fat humans, the weight always comes back eventually. This does not mean I’m stupid or that I have no willpower. If that were the case, I would never have been able to complete law school or pass the Bar Exam on my first try, both of which I did while fat. 

Societal Myth #5: Fatties are depressed because they eat, and eat because they’re depressed, thus descending into a “shame spiral.” This may or may not be true for some fatties, but it is not true of me. I am not depressed. I am not defective. I am not deformed or sick. I’m happily married to an amazing woman. I can do all the things you do, and probably more. The only likely real difference between us is you bully or shame people who are fat, and I don’t. If you don’t bully or fat shame people, then thank you and I wish more people were like you.

A Word on Responsibility

Let me be very clear I take full responsibility for how I look. I am not saying that it’s society’s fault I am fat. Unlike some other fatties, I’m not trying to shift blame to anyone or anything else for my relationship with food. I like food, and that is 100% on me. What I am saying is that I consciously refuse to feel bad about this. What I am saying is that I reject your hypothesis that my size and shape prove I eat like a junk-food-crazed hog. Whether you believe it or not, I eat no differently than most other men of my age, location and income level. I also reject the hypothesis that my size and shape prove I am sedentary and/or lazy. Whether you believe it or not, I work out at least 4 times per week (usually 7), and these are intense workouts. I bicycle on 50-110 mile rides, one day each, at least a dozen per year, which requires constant training. I have been doing this since 2013. I’m not going to “just eat less.” I’m not going to “just get off the couch.” I’m good. Whether you believe it or not.

Statements of Shame

Your statements about my size and shape, whether meant to hurt me, make yourself feel better, sincerely help me, or some combination of these, all have had the effect of influencing my self-image and self-confidence over the decades. This is true of statements made to every person, from the strongest, most self-respecting oak all the way down to the most fragile, sensitive waif. I understand society wants me to either simply ignore your statements or take it upon myself to convert them into positive fuel for my metamorphosis from fat to skinny. But I also understand that this expectation is completely impossible. I am, in part, a product of what everyone tells me about myself, as we all are. But at the same time, I have no obligation to “grin and bear it” or “just suck it up” 100% of the time; I have the right and the ability to stand up for myself, as we all do.

Actual Quotes: The Deliberately Insulting

1. At a bicycling event: Dude, put some clothes on, that’s disgusting. (I am wearing literally the exact same clothing as all the other cyclists, i.e. form-fitting jersey and shorts. My only exposed body flesh is from elbows to wrists, and from knees to ankles. If you don’t like how my body looks covered by sport-appropriate clothing, the problem is yours, not mine.)
2. At bicycling and running events: You need to train. Or train harder. (I train year-round, and since 2014 I have finished every single ride and run I have entered, usually in the middle of the pack, the pack consisting mostly of skinny men 20 years younger than me.)
3. From a family member: How does your bike even stay together? (Pretty well, actually, as do the bikes of the many other cyclists who weigh 220 to 240 pounds.)
4. From various friends and strangers: I’d be too embarrassed (to ride in public) if I were like you (i.e. fat). (I’m sure there are folks who let themselves be bullied into staying away from sports, or only doing them in private, which is horrible. But I refuse to.)
5. From various strangers: I can tell you’re not picky about what you eat or drink. (No, you can’t; it is quite possible to be fat and a fussy eater. But I can already tell something about you: you’re an asshole.)
6. From a family member: How can you be so fat if you exercise so much? You’re either lying or doing it wrong. (First, I am not lying. Second, the only way I could do it wrong is if I didn’t have fun, which I do.)
7. From a college student: Because of your choices, you’re taking valuable food, water, energy and medical care away from people who need them. (Sure. Because THAT’S how it works…anything I don’t use gets immediately distributed, Robin Hood-style, to the needy.)
8. From friends and family: If you don’t like people picking on you for your weight, try losing some and it’ll stop. (It’s hard to express how incredibly hurtful and stupid this statement is. What do you think I’ve been trying to do my entire adult life up till now? Do you really think I’m so idiotic that I couldn’t think of this solution for decades? More importantly, why is the onus on me to stop the bullying? This statement strongly implies that I am the one to blame for others’ cruelty towards me.)
9. Overheard among strangers gesturing toward me at a public ride: He has no idea how fat he looks. (On the contrary, thanks to people like you I have a VERY good idea of how I look. Also, I don’t know if you knew this, but fatness does not cause deafness or blindness…I can hear and see your cruelty all too well.)

 

Actual Quotes: The Condescending

1. From friends, family and coworkers: You just need to try harder (in order to be skinny). (See the part about “diets don’t work” above. Also, I don’t want or need to do anything differently. I like me, and if you don’t, the problem is yours, not mine.)
2. From friends, family and coworkers: You’re going to have health problems when you get older [usually while pointing to my belly]. (That’s true, just as it is true of literally every human being that has ever lived to be old. Have you ever known elderly people with no health problems whatsoever? If you have, I’ll bet you can count them on one hand.)
3. From friends and family: [If I’m eating a normal amount] You’re eating a lot [or, if I’m eating less than a normal amount] Oh, trying a new diet are you? (Since when is it anyone’s business what I am eating? And did you really think I wanted to talk about it? No, I’m not on a diet. Do you really think any of this scrutiny helps me? Do “normal” people ever get comments on what they eat?)
4. From friends, family and casual acquaintances: You just need to lay off the junk food and eat healthy. (Most of you have no idea whether I even eat junk food at all. Because I’ve become so self-conscious about food over the years, I look at and compare what other people at the grocery store buy as I’m going through the checkout. Based on years of observation, I either eat much healthier than most people, or by some bizarre coincidence I only grocery shop when the junk food junkies of the world are shopping. Those are the two possibilities. And again: Since when is it your or anyone’s business what I eat?)
5. From a family member: You need to go to a doctor and get checked out. (I have been to the doctor several times for short-term ailments over the years. I’ve had blood screenings, heart stress tests and blood pressure checks. I’m not defective or deformed. I feel healthy and happy, and if you don’t think I’m healthy that’s your problem.)
6. From friends, family and coworkers: Have you tried the [insert the latest fad diet or fanatical fitness program]? It really works. (I’m starting to feel like a broken record, but see “diets don’t work” above. And yes, I have tried it, because I have tried everything.)
7. From family, friends and casual acquaintances: You’re obsessed with your weight (or your eating). [Or, if I haven’t brought it up in the last 5 minutes] You need to start thinking about your weight (or what you eat). (Yes, I do think about it a lot, thanks to a lifetime of judgments and shaming. Thank you for pouring salt into the wound, and thank you for suggesting it’s my job to solve others’ cruelty.)
8. From female family members: You should stop whining; you’re lucky you’re a man. Women have it twenty million times worse than men. (I’m quite sure that’s true, and that’s horrible. At the same time, it doesn’t take away from the fact that it happens to men as well. Also, shouldn’t you want me to stand up to body shaming, for all people then?)
9. From a stranger at a bike ride: Good for you! [the fact that I’m riding] Keep it up and pretty soon you’ll be riding centuries. (I have already ridden dozens of centuries. I’m willing to bet money that I ride more than you do. But thank you for the assumption that I’m brand new at this just because of how I look.)
10. From coworkers: Good for you! [the fact that I work out] Keep it up and pretty soon you’ll be looking as lean as me. (I don’t work out to look like you or anyone else. But thank you for that assumption and the backhanded, self-serving encouragement.)
11. From friends and sometimes eavesdroppers: This is such a first world, overprivileged problem. Other people have it far worse in this world. (This is true. But who made you the all-powerful Ranker of Problems and Decider of Justified Complaints?)
12. From family and friends: You should stop whining. You’re too sensitive. Everyone in this world gets picked on and judged, for one reason or another. (Again, very true, and not good. So shouldn’t you want me to stand up against all forms of bullying, for all people? Thanks for the support.)

 

Actual Quotes: The Well-meaning but Still Damaging

1. From family and friends: Oh, you’re not fat, you’re just [insert synonym for fat]. (I’ve always been puzzled by the logic that using a different word somehow solves the problem. The problem is other people shaming me for how I look. Use of words like husky, thick, big-boned or stocky makes the problem much worse, not better.)
2. From family members: You should stop whining. It’s all in your head [the fact that people body shame me]. (Retreat into denial will never solve the problem. I don’t hallucinate or fabricate any of the things I’m writing in this letter, so the only other explanation is that they actually happen. Also, thank you for refusing to support or validate me.)
3. From friends, family, co-workers and sometimes strangers: Hey, you’re not the only one! I’m also [insert synonym for fat]! Let’s bond over that [or worse yet] Let’s lose weight together! (As a fellow fattie, I understand what you’ve gone through and I want the best for you. But I’m not working out for the same reasons you are; further, the assumption that all fat people should think alike or be friends is demeaning. That’s as bad as assuming all African-Americans know each other, or that all differently-abled people should be friends with each other.)
4. From family members: If you just break up your eating into [insert number between 7 and 25] daily micro meals, you’ll lose weight. (This is actually true. It’s also true that I will be ridiculed, pestered and humiliated to no end for carrying around my 25 micro meals at my job. I know this because I’ve tried it before.)
5. From family members and some friends, who haven’t seen me in a while: Wow, you’ve lost some weight. I’m impressed. Keep it up. (Thank you for assuming I’m desperate for your approval or acceptance, and thanks for cementing the idea that looking more “normal” is the only way to obtain it.)
6. From strangers and friends, usually when my bicycling is brought up: You’re so brave. (For what? Doing something I enjoy? Thank you, but the issue is that going out in public and riding a bike shouldn’t require bravery. From anyone.)
7. From family and friends: Who cares what others think? Just laugh it off. (While I actually do appreciate this sentiment, it really does nothing to address the cruelty of others, and suggests it is my job to deal with it. Also, if it were really that simple, would I be taking the time to write this very long letter?)
8. From family and some coworkers: I say these things (about my weight) because I care about you and I hate to see you like this (i.e. fat). (If you really cared about me, you would treat me the same as any non-fat human being, i.e. not body shame me. Many forms of bullying are perpetuated by the myth that bullying somehow helps motivate or build character in people; in truth it does not. Also, if you hate seeing me fat, that means you hate seeing me, so I would suggest you go away if you hate seeing me.)

 

Now that I’ve gotten all this out on paper (or your screen), you may be wondering: what does this guy want? For starters, if you’ve read this far, I hope you’ll take an extra couple seconds to think next time before you start to shame or “motivate” or “help” a fat person. I hope the next time you see a fat person you won’t automatically assume they are lazy, stupid, greedy, weak or have an eating disorder. I hope when the inevitable fat jokes or other shaming tactics are brought out in your presence, that you have the courage to resist the pack mentality and stand up for the fat person being shamed, even if it results in awkwardness or alienation. I hope you work on body prejudice in the same way we are all encouraged to break free of racial or ethnic prejudice.

I love, respect and care about you (those of you whom I know). I sincerely hope you can respect me by understanding why I reject the worldview of the majority, that because I am fat I am worthless and must constantly strive for acceptance and worth through weight loss, or else I am doomed to a life of loneliness, infirmity and moral corruption. I reject that premise because after decades I’ve finally figured out that my worth as a human being is not correlated with my size or shape. Further, body shaming and other bullying is cruelty that serves no constructive purpose to anyone, and it needs to stop. If you can’t respect that, then you can’t respect me, and I would ask you not to interact with me any further until you can.

 

Your pal,

Mike