Every year at this time, it seems that I go through the same thing: I simultaneously love and dread holiday get-togethers. I love them because I get to talk with some good people I normally don’t get to, beyond a professional conversation or a quick greeting. But I also hate them because of the inevitable remarks about the food that is an integral element of the festivities. Often there is a jab, or at the very least a condescending “helpful hint” about my weight, whether I am eating any of the food offered or not.
There is a wide range to the types of remarks that are thrown my way at these gatherings, which I’ll give a sampling of below. Now, I will be the first to admit that fat peoples’ complex relationships with food are nowhere near a perfect analogy of the recovering alcoholic’s relationship with alcoholic beverages. That said, I am still amazed that people can get away with some of their behaviors and words aimed at a fat person around food, even in 2019, when they would never dare try such a thing with a recovering alcoholic vis-a-vis drinking.
First example: The old You can have one slice of pie…one isn’t going to kill you. I’ve never understood why people think they’re entitled to negotiate another person’s eating choices. Would you seriously ever tell an alcoholic You can have one drink…one isn’t going to kill you.? The answer is no, you would not, because it’s simply not true. Again, food isn’t alcohol or any other drug, but if I want a slice of pie I will get one. I’m not seeking your permission or approval to have a slice of pie or any other food, because I’m an adult. Likewise, my choice to abstain from eating pie today is my choice.
Second example: Load that wo/man up with food, s/he looks hungry! Since you cannot see a sensation such as hunger, then this can only mean I look fat and therefore hungry. I love the assumption that because I am fat, I must be constantly hungry no matter what. That’s how one gets fat, right, eating constantly and never being satiated? Here’s some news. Like many “normal” people, I am only hungry a few times a day; when I am, I eat something and then feel full. Because of a lifetime of consistent body shaming, I never show up to a party hungry lest I be seen eating more than a nibble of food, and then shamed for that. So no, I am not hungry, thank you; if I were I could guarantee that I’d figure out for myself how to procure some food. And no one in their right mind would ever announce a recovering alcoholic’s arrival by saying Load that wo/man up with booze, s/he looks thirsty!.
Third example: (If I stick with healthy foods or nothing at all) Oh, so you’re dieting through the holidays, good for you! (Or, if I choose to enjoy a dessert) You go right ahead and have some of that; I can’t control myself around sweets either. The assumptions behind these statements are staggering. Depending on what happens to be on my plate at that very moment, I am one of two polar extremes: either a desperate dieting fanatic or a hopeless bingeing slob. These are passive-aggressive jabs that inflict just as much damage as a blunt “you’re fat” at a social gathering. If I want commentary on what is or isn’t on my plate I will ask for it; otherwise it is not fair game for conversation. Would you say to an alcoholic Oh, so you’re staying sober through the holidays, good for you! Or worse: You go right ahead and have a drink; I can’t control myself around margaritas either.
Fourth example: Come on, loosen up and live a little. You can go back to your diet in January; that’s what New Year’s resolutions are for. This is basically the same as the third example, but phrased as an accusation. By exercising my human right to choose what I consume, I am somehow judged to be a “stick in the mud” and the reason for other people’s angst or discomfort. Unlike the people in my examples, I don’t pass judgment on what other folks are eating or not eating. Therefore, I am not the reason behind anyone’s feelings of shame or regret. If your happiness depends on my eating, then you are the one with a problem, not me. No one in their right mind would ever tell a recovering alcoholic at the holidays Oh, come on, loosen up and live a little. You can go back to sobriety in January.
Fifth and final example: I call these the “helpful hints”. Examples include If you just drink plenty of water you’ll fill up quicker…Just think about how much exercise you’ll have to do to burn these calories off…and let’s not forget Just slow down and really take your time eating, and give your body a chance to tell you it’s full. These go way beyond passive-aggressive and well into condescending. I am not soliciting your untrained, uneducated advice on how to eat/live; I never have and never will. The fact that you think I will appreciate your incorrect “nuggets of advice” speaks volumes. After all, I could relax and enjoy myself around food just like you “normal” people, if I’d only quit being so stupid and drink a glass of water now and then, right? The truth is there is no shortcut to a healthy lifestyle. Please keep your idiotic ladies’ magazine tips and tricks to yourself. You wouldn’t dare say to an alcoholic Just drink a bottle of water for each cocktail you have and you’ll be fine, would you?
I’ll wrap up this post by saying I understand perfectly well that we all need to deal with a busybody relative or a jerk coworker at some point in our lives. This labyrinth-of-bitches we call life gets to everyone, at least now and then. It’s not all about me, and I know that. But if we could all try to understand that the holidays are a harder than usual time for certain people (XL-sized among others), and take an extra beat before we make that seemingly innocuous food-related remark, the world would be that much better a place and the true spirit of the holidays could be felt and enjoyed by everyone.
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