We voice our inner Dumbo all the time; let’s give Timothy a voice too

The problems in our lives can dominate and define us, if we let them. Some problems are truly serious and perplexing; others, while perhaps less serious, are still draining and distracting. I have read many self-care articles recommending compassionate inner talk, and I’ve tried it, and it definitely works for making myself feel better. Beyond that, though, an inner voice can be not only compassionate and empathetic but pragmatic and encouraging as well…a sort of cheerleading MacGuyver with the ability to rise above the seemingly inescapable troubles and trials of our lives. I’ve tried this style of “compassion-plus” inner talk and for me it has worked even better than self-compassion alone.

Since I grew up on movies from a certain studio known for its feature-length family films, I’m going to use an old one (Dumbo) for context as it was the first story that came to me, although I’m sure there are other (and better) popular culture paradigms out there. If you haven’t seen the animated movie, I recommend it even for those without children…beyond being entertaining it’s a great metaphor for how we all feel at least part of the time, i.e. alone, outcast, defective, and powerless to improve our situation.

In the movie, the title character, a baby circus elephant, wants only two things in life: love and acceptance, both of which he gets unconditionally and without limit from his mother. Not much of a problem there! But he is cursed (he believes) with oversized ears, which (he believes) cause many of the animals to reject and torment him. Then the unthinkable happens…his mother is taken from him and he is left alone (he believes) in a hopeless situation (he believes).

The part of the movie that intrigues me is Dumbo’s friendship with a mouse named Timothy…this was clearly meant to be a humorous play on the old wives’ tale that elephants are typically afraid of mice. But Dumbo, being a friendless, worthless, hopeless circus reject (he believes), cannot afford the luxury of being choosy when it comes to friends. Timothy takes pity on Dumbo (anyone with half a heart would!), but more than that, actually likes and values him as an equal. Timothy is very compassionate, but also upbeat, encouraging, practical, and inventive, making him the perfect match for Dumbo who is pessimistic, full of fear, and has zero self-confidence.

But what the movie doesn’t come out and say to your face is that, while Timothy has all the personality attributes and character necessary for success (Dumbo having pretty much none), all the raw strength, talent, and appeal are in Dumbo, not Timothy. Timothy’s great contribution is simply that he opens Dumbo’s eyes and gently helps him to see a number of truths that his negative self-talk had made him blind to: (1) he is a valuable friend and member of the circus community, (2) the big ears are not a curse or defect but are instead his greatest attribute giving him the ability to “fly”, (3) he can and will be loved by many, and deservedly so, (4) all the hater animals (who don’t actually hate his ears but are hardwired to ease their own shame by tormenting others) have no power against him as long as he doesn’t empower them by buying into their negativity, and perhaps most important (5) he already possesses all the power and ability to improve his own situation even beyond what he previously thought possible. It’s a simple contribution but a critical one, because without it, Dumbo merely continues to mope and lament his condition, and then we’d end up with a very sad story indeed.

So, the next time you “hear” your inner Dumbo’s laments (I know I hear mine several times daily, over various things), you might see if you can summon an inner Timothy to answer and give advice…or maybe you just picture Timothy patiently listening…sometimes that’s all that’s needed in the moment. Maybe all Timothy can muster right away is a vague platitude or two, which is also fine…in fact that happens to be what my inner Timothy is best at. Here are some of my favorite “starters” for Timothy.

• When times are good, they aren’t quite as good as they seem, and when things are bad, they are really not nearly as bad as they seem at the time.
• You are a lot stronger and more clever than you know.
• The power to make you feel good or bad comes entirely from within.
• Do one thing today for another person that you wish someone would do for you.
• If someone does do something for you, treat them the way you want to be treated when you do nice things for others.
• Find at least one thing to be thankful for every day.
• If a thing doesn’t bother you, to the extent where you’re barely aware of it if no one else points it out, is it a problem?
• Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are correct.
• Everyone else feels like Dumbo too, to some degree, some of the time. Everyone has problems and believes theirs are the worst.