No, this isn’t about a new kind of bicycle. It’s about a book by Dr. Caroline Leaf called Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess. In it, Dr. Leaf explains how it’s entirely possible for us to get away from bad mental habits such as pointless worrying, anxiety, negative self-talk etc. and get ourselves into healthy mental habits using a daily process that includes writing. Full disclosure: I did not read the full book but rather a condensed version via the Blinkist app, who has not paid me anything for the mention. (And I’m fine with that.)
The neurocycle process has five steps: 1. Gather (information), 2. Reflect (on said information), 3. Write (put into your own words what you’ve learned), 4. Recheck (edit what you’ve written), and 5. Active Reach (either put what you’ve written into practice or teach it to someone else). This blog will focus on steps 3 and 4.
Today, for me, it’s about cutting out the toxic ingredients in one’s life. Sometimes those ingredients are people. While people are far more complex than just categorizing them as toxic or non-toxic, sometimes a friendship or acquaintance-ship is pretty much entirely toxic in its limited context. Not always, but often, it is much more toxic to one party than to the other, or at least one party notices the toxicity much more than the other. My information is this: When there is little hope of the other party changing themselves, it becomes incumbent upon the one party to cut out the toxicity and perform what I call a friend-ectomy. This friend-ectomy must be real, it must be absolute, and it must be communicated especially to the Toxic Friend.
Depending on the exact people involved, the context of the friendship (friends they have in common, societal connections, etc.), the depth of the friendship and countless other factors, cutting out the toxicity can be anywhere from ridiculously easy to damn near impossible to accomplish. One important thing is to, as much as possible, avoid applying judgments or indictments to the friend-ectomy. This is easier said than done, since by the time an assessment of “toxic” has been made a lot of damage has often been done, usually to the assessing party but often to others as well. It can be tempting to blame and condemn the non-assessing party for emotional damage, feelings of guilt, and other negative outcomes. But that isn’t the most important thing…your health is. Rather than focus on assigning blame, mental and emotional energy should be applied to the friend-ectomy itself as the only viable solution to a toxic friendship and thus the only acceptable path forward.
A complicating factor almost always present is the group of friends the two parties have in common. In a friend-ectomy it can be tempting for both parties to “recruit” friends over to “their side”. Again, rather than focus on painting the other party as the bad guy, the effort should be applied toward helping mutual friends realize that (1) the friend-ectomy is necessary for human health and well-being, (2) no one is asking them to stop being friends with anyone, and (3) as friends, their respect for and support of the friend-ectomy decision is appreciated.
In 99 cases out of 100, only a complete friend-ectomy will actually solve the problem. That said, it can be possible for a friend-ectomy to be partial rather than complete, as long as all parties involved respect the boundaries. For example, a coworker who has also been a personal friend might become just a coworker. In cases such as the one just described, it could even be necessary to continue contact with the toxic person (unless you have the luxury of just quitting your job). But for this to be truly successful, everyone, including other coworkers/friends, must respect the new boundaries. A lapse back into the toxic relationship, even if temporary, can be harmful.
None of this is ever easy. Sometimes it’s hardest on the group of common friends who suddenly find themselves in the middle of a “battle” where they feel obligated to choose a side and remain loyal to it. But if you make up your mind that (1) your relationship with yourself, including your health, is top priority, (2) your relationship with Toxic Friend is jeopardizing that health, (3) your other friends (important: not friends you have in common with Toxic Friend) are there for you when you need to find support, and (4) you are more valuable as a good, healthy person than any other person insists your “friendship” is, you can successfully perform a friend-ectomy and there are many places online that can walk you through it. In a lot of ways this is part of a healthy lifestyle that includes, among other things, growth, love, and making new friends all the time.
Bike Newbie 