4:00am
I’m up after about 6 hours of sleep, the most I’ve had in several days. Fell asleep after crying about an hour solid last night. I feel as raw and unkempt as a rafter on Day 6 on the river. This river is pure Class V rapid, merciless, unforgiving. I know I have the kayaking chops to survive it, I just can’t help but wonder, why does it rage?
The voice in my head I call Timothy (see past blog post https://bikenewbie.com/2021/10/11/we-voice-our-inner-dumbo-all-the-time-lets-give-timothy-a-voice-too/), is of no assistance here. In fact, Timothy is gone entirely from my head, and I fear I killed him inadvertently when I killed Blackout Mike back on January 13. I call for Timothy but there is no answer. He always used to have answers for Dumbo. He’s gone now. Dumbo needs to figure out shit on his own, on this Class V rapid.
This river is stark and brutal and trying to kill this poor navigator, but really quite beautiful in spite of it all. I actually don’t mind being a river rat with my secondhand gear, my stubbled face, my thousand yard stare. It’s a look that works for me. I have no food with me, but there is plenty that swims in this river and grows on its banks for me to eat.
4:35am
To calm myself I’m trying an exercise where I name all the sounds I hear.
Cars on the road outside, refrigerator, ceiling fan, tinnitus, breathing, joints popping, rain in the gutters, tap of my thumbs as I type on my phone, creak of my shoe, my shifting in my leather chair, swallowing, another two cars, knuckle popping, refrigerator clicking off.
It worked pretty well calming me down, actually.
The gnawing in my chest, as unpleasant as it might be, serves to remind me I am human. This pain can fuel some of the best writing and music I’ve ever made. That’s the glass half full of it. The glass half empty is I still need to pay the bills, and the way to do that is to appear normal. That’s my mission for now: wear the disguise and go through the motions, but still feel the feelings that a true dreamer must feel in order to dream in technicolor.
5:51am
Everybody loves a polka!
The Sober Polka (to the tune of the “Man Show” Theme)
Cry yourself to sleep at night,
Break some dishes, pick a fight,
Sober Polka
Crank Adele while in your car,
Question everything you are,
Sober Polka
Sleep a couple hours and that’s all, boy,
Wake up crying, wishing for a tallboy
Torture just to know yourself,
Say you’re working on your health,
Sober Polka!
Bike Newbie 