It dawned on me, as I was thinking of what to say for my weekly meeting, that I should be writing this shit down. I will do my best to start journaling religiously.
It’s my Day 45. The poison is leaving me and I can feel it finally. By poison I don’t exactly mean alcohol…I mean the lie that we’ve been told since childhood, that it’s possible to feel a sensation like love without actually loving or being loved…that one just needs a chemical, a product, a job, or a process (gambling) to feel love. It’s a multi-trillion-dollar lie.
When we finally realize the lie for what it is, we can focus on the basics of love. For me, I have to start over at Square One: learning how to love myself. I was not allowed to show any emotion other than hate for our enemies. Consequently, I am now emotionally stunted.
Thought For The Day: the end is always a beginning and the beginning is always an end.
10:07 am
I received more counseling references from my EAP. Nice! I called the first number and the therapist picked up the phone…a live person! It was so nice to talk to a live human voice. She seems very caring and I’ve set up an appointment with her next week. Fingers crossed that counseling with her works out….
11:36 am
Felt a panic attack coming on, like I can’t do this. But I breathed and repeated my mantra, and things improved quickly. I still feel a sort of gnawing at my soul, not like anxiety or fear or any strong emotion, just a gnawing.
4:07 pm
Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it; other times I’m “of course I can do it, no sweat”. Right now I feel like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone. Incomplete. The gnawing is still there. I can concentrate on work for snatches of time, a half hour here, forty-five minutes there. But that’s it. Also I go from exhausted to jittery to exhausted again. I don’t dare think about falling off the wagon…but the lack of sufficient sleep is getting to me.
Bike Newbie 