2.28.2023
1:01pm
Now that I’ve gotten a taste of what quitting alcohol is like, I feel really really bad for other people. I know other people are having a much harder time than I am, and it makes me cry just to think about it.
It will take me a while to build the emotional muscles to take on heavy feelings without just bawling my head off. I understand that. I’m willing to put in the work if it means I won’t ever drink again.
1:23pm
I just realized all the people that I really lean on for emotional help are women. I wonder why that is?
6:32pm
I was struck just now by a memory of being 9 years old and terrified of the dark. It’s a painful, shameful memory, because at that age I made the mistake of confessing my fear to my parents, who ridiculed me and called me a crybaby for being afraid of the dark.
Recently I was told that the only good way to alleviate my suffering was to help alleviate the suffering of others. I believe that’s true, to a degree at least if not fully.
8:46pm
I think I’m just now starting to get better. I say that because I was able tonight to find satisfaction in little things: the way my charcoal grill smells when I cook on it, the way my raised bed garden looks, the feel of a cold breeze on my face, etc. It isn’t much, but it’s a small sign that there’s light at the end of the tunnel of my freakout mode.
9:33am
As I was falling asleep I had the happiest dream. A huge ship appeared suddenly in Puget Sound, but it wasn’t just a boat. It was a starship, shaped roughly like a cobra’s head . Nobody really knew what to think as the starship docked near Seattle. Then the ship opened and beings started filing out of the ramp. Instantly the humans felt at ease and that the visitors were friendly, bringing us help and knowledge. And then I spotted Her among the visitors. She appeared as a halo of light atop a large metal ring. My heart soared with joy at the sight of Her, because She had come into my world to be with me and counsel me. That’s when I woke up.
Bike Newbie 