March 3, 2023
7:30pm
The pizza was so dank, so good. As I ate I thought, I have a lot of learning to do. The most important thing to learn, I think, is how to be nice. To everyone including myself.
8:17pm
Watching the Vegas Golden Knights game on TV with my wife, it hit me. The reason for my affinity with the name Tetsuo is that I am playing out the tragic character Tetsuo from the movie Akira. Tetsuo is a teenage boy whose best friend is an older, bigger teen named Kaneda. Tetsuo has some anger issues from being bullied at the orphanage where he grew up with Kaneda. During a gang fight, Tetsuo wrecks his motorcycle and comes into contact with the escaped subjects of a government telekinesis project. Government scientists decide to abduct Tetsuo and alter his mind as a result. Tetsuo, once he regains consciousness, becomes ridiculously powerful, able to move large aircraft and buildings with his mind. The problem is he has psychological issues and can’t control his power, which corrupts him. In his low-self-esteem ego trip, he assumes he will eventually master it, but the power only grows further beyond his control and he destroys his best friend and mentor Kaneda.
The parallel with my life is I assumed I knew what was best for everyone and harmed innocent people in the process of throwing a self-righteous tantrum. In my zeal to protect myself and others, I ended up harming all of us. I am like Tetsuo. I have low self-esteem and it affects my ability to engage with reality effectively and in a caring, compassionate way.
Tonight I listened to the soundtrack of Akira for the first time in 15 years. Every note of it is tattooed on my brain, because I listened to it on CD religiously in my 20s. Part of the soundtrack is traditional Japanese Noh theater music. Noh theater often relates stories of samurai who have been corrupted by their power, and become hideous demons as a result. The demon cannot live with himself, and becomes a pitiful, tragic sort of ghost roaming the land. Listening to this music again gave me goosebumps the whole way through.
Here is the English translation of the Japanese Noh theater music in the Akira soundtrack:
I am Tetsuo
I am a lonely man
I am not allowed to know what my upbringing was
Impossible to go back to days of long ago
I am a lonely traveler
I find a way to survive
I find food to survive
I play to survive
I laugh to survive
I herd with others to survive
My only mate, Kaneda
Where are you, Kaneda?
My shadow, my shadow
My shadow has been torn asunder
My shadow has gone away
Oh, my shadow, my shadow
Oh, Kaneda, Kaneda
Where are you?
Bike Newbie 