7:50am
After a pleasant early morning, the gnawing came back, more brutal than ever this time. It tore at me and slashed my soul open, forcing me into convulsions of crying for minutes at a time. This lasted for about an hour, and my whole drive to work was through the blur of tears.
But something is different now. I can tell that the gnawing is a core part of me. It’s the part of me that could do what I did, of which I’m ashamed and not ready to write about yet. Upon reaching this epiphany, I wanted to kill the gnawing but quickly realized I can’t. It’s too much a part of me. If I kill it I die too, and nobody wants that, not even me.
So my plan is to make the gnawing my ally. I’m starting to cautiously feed it with little scraps of music, hoping to make it trust me enough to obey me. The music is mostly from my past, guitar riffs I wrote in my college rock band, and some from even earlier in my life. I’m going to have to be careful, but I’m hopeful I can get to where I make the gnawing come and go at my command. It’s going to take a lot of time and patience. And I’m going to need a guitar again, after almost 20 years away from that instrument. OK I want a guitar…that’s the real truth.
8:41am
One upside of crying is I get really warm when I cry. Good thing it’s wintertime!
9:20am
I just got tickets to see Mastodon and GOJIRA in April. Fuck yeah. I’m going to see if my son is interested in going to Portland with me, if not I’ll see if a coworker wants to go. Most of my friends and family are not metal fans.
10:03am
Early iterations of my experiment are producing promising outcomes. The gnawing is demonstrating an acute taste for metal, and is responding favorably to loud infusions of Mastodon via earbud, allowing me to focus on work. I remain cautious yet optimistic. If these results can be confirmed, I will be purchasing musical equipment soon.
12:20pm
Experiment update: I am encouraged by the results I’m getting. The gnawing also responds favorably to Deftones at high volume. The Deftones audio is a more recent recording that sounds better in the earbuds, and although the gnawing has bit me a few times (the fucker!) it becomes quite docile overall in the presence of ROCK. This is good.
Borussia Dortmund has a 2-0 lead over Red Bull Leipzig at halftime. Yes!
I’m going to rant for a minute at people who have no team loyalty (or band loyalty, or fanboy loyalty, or person loyalty) but choose to snark at people who do. Shut The Fuck Up. Nobody cares that you don’t love anything or that you think that makes you superior to those of us who do. You don’t have to love what I love, but you also don’t have to say anything. But the thing is you do have to say something, because deep down your frail little ego needs a boost, and the only way to get a boost for you is to cut others down. STFU. The reason I get so upset is I go to a lot of trouble to open up to the world and get others comfortable with opening up too. When punk ass bitches like you come around it poisons the well and people move on. I’m sure you think that makes you cool or powerful; it doesn’t. Fuck Off and Die.
Tonight is pizza night, where my wife and I make mini pizzas at home. Hooray for pizza!
Back to work or a reasonable facsimile thereof.
1:33pm
Borussia Dortmund win! They now sit alone atop the Bundesliga table, at least for now.
3:00pm
I think I’m starting to gain a bit of control over the gnawing. I think my experiment is working…basically all I’m doing is listening to loud music, but if it works it works, right? I hope I can get to the point where even thinking about loud music will send the gnawing away. Meanwhile, I think there is a guitar and an amp in my future. 🎸
4:12pm
It’s interesting how mental energy works. I can write and write all day long (I just drafted a long contract) and not feel tired. As soon as I have to stop writing and read a narrative, though, my brain just wants to sleep. I’ll try falling asleep that way tonight. I only slept about 4 hours last night so I know I need the extra sleep…my “normal” was 7-7.5 hours per night, and in recovery I’d say I’ve averaged about 4.5 hours per night, maybe less. Looking forward to someday getting more sleep.
5:23pm
Another upside to losing your marbles: A pretty rad singing voice. I’ve been singing a lot more on my commutes lately (when I’m not bawling), and I like how my crazy voice sounds. Maybe I’m more relaxed now, because I have a lot better vocal range. Singing is good for me; it gets the anger and other emotions out. I wouldn’t sing in front of other people; that’s just for me.
Bike Newbie 