March 6, 2023
4:30am
I had a dream about polka dots. That’s it: just an image of black polka dots on a white background, and it was extremely comforting. The reason why might have to do with my early childhood. I remember around the age of 4 my family had a VW hatchback, and I often had to just sit in the back seat and be quiet. There were no such things as electronic amusements yet, and I hadn’t learned to read. So to entertain myself, I would stare up at the ceiling of the VW which was an off-white vinyl dotted with tiny pinpoint polka dots. Somehow I had figured out that if I relaxed my focus, the polka dots would shift in each eye’s vision until the two images perfectly overlapped, sort of a primitive version of the “magic eye” posters that became popular in the 90s. I would do this over and over again, adjusting my own visual focus back and forth, for what seemed like hours. That memory has stayed with me, and for some reason I find it very comforting…maybe in a way it’s a lesson that I have the ability to invent ways of soothing myself in any situation.
At any rate, as strangely creative as my abilities might be, I know I can’t do recovery alone. I need the people around me…at home, at work, online. It helps me immensely that I have people in my life whom I would be embarrassed and ashamed to let down. And even though they have no idea I’m in recovery (all except for my wife who supports me), I would be letting them down by slipping. This is a great motivation and I wish everyone in my situation had lots of people around them they admired and cared about.
Bike Newbie 