March 9, 2023
7:50am
Thinking about my mother on the drive to work today. She beat me into submission almost daily. She played mental abuse games with me every day without exception. No one was allowed to disagree with or stand up to her; the consequences were nuclear if anyone dared to even look at her wrong. Her power was absolute and she showed no mercy. I was bullied terribly at school and would often come home with a black eye or cut mouth. My mother would show no sympathy and would ask me, “Why don’t you stand up for yourself? Why do you just cower and let people bully you?” I didn’t know how to answer back then. The thought that I was pre-conditioned my whole life to submit to others hadn’t entered my mind. But that’s what it was. She turned me into a victim, probably because she herself had been a victim at some point. I can now think about these things and reflect on them without bursting into a crying fit. Ten days ago that would not have been possible.
12:21pm
It’s been a whirlwind morning. Hopefully the afternoon will be different, although I don’t really mind chaos at work these days.
2:23pm
We just hired a new guy (we all know and like him though) to my program. I’m looking forward to working with him. I won’t have many opportunities to work directly with him, but I’ll try to take advantage of every opportunity there is.
2:43pm
My energy level is flagging. I’ve been struggling with a short attention span for weeks, and it’s that much worse when I grow sleepy. Maybe I should walk around…I wish it wasn’t pouring rain outside right now.
4:28pm
I’ve committed to go with a small group on a 44-mile road bike ride, on Saturday rain or shine. I’d better get my bike and gear ready. It’s going to be a cold one.
Bike Newbie 