Category Archives: Uncategorized

March 16, 2023 1:09pmAfter a 7 hour sleep, a good therapy visit and an upper body workout, I am giggly and giddy. I guess this is one of the peaks of the roller coaster. I always liked the term ‘roller coaster’: one of those words would probably have sufficed, but to get the whole experienceContinue reading “Journal Recovery, shatter your illusions of love”

March 15, 2023 8:23amSo, I posted about my argument with my wife on the subreddit. I still feel like I was attacked by her and I really don’t like it. I’m not going to sacrifice my health and well being just to “smooth things over” or cater to her low self esteem. It’s too badContinue reading “Journal Recovery, make you break down”

March 14, 2023 3:50amI thought I was on a good, healing path of recovery. My sleep times and sleep quality were improving. But the last couple of nights have been less than stellar. I get to sleep no problem, but can’t sleep a full night. At least I don’t wake up crying anymore, but itContinue reading “Journal Recovery, did she make you cry”

March 13, 2023 10:03amAfter yesterday’s drama (a brief but powerful wave of anger/guilt/sadness), things have settled down for me. It’s still uncomfortable though. It’s not as bad as the gnawing. But I am noticing a fair amount of mild irritability and general dissatisfaction, which I just call the howling. The howling I can deal with,Continue reading “Journal Recovery, don’t wanna take it slow”

I don’t wanna feel no more It’s easier to keep fallin’ Imitations of pain Emptiness of tomorrow, haunted by your ghost Laid down, black gives way to blue Lay down, I’ll remember you Fading out by design Consciously avoiding changes Curtains drawn now it’s done Silencing all tomorrows, forcing a goodbye Laid down, black givesContinue reading “To my mother, whom I loved very much”

As I was driving to go get breakfast, it dawned on me that I don’t need to change up my whole identity to make key, meaningful improvements that will change me. When I was younger, I would search for a pretty much new identity every few years. I was trying to make myself a betterContinue reading “Journal Recovery, driving epiphany #754”

March 11, 2023 Today I rode a 44-mile bicycle route. That’s almost 70 miles shy of my longest ride ever in one day, but still, it was a challenging ride for me. I haven’t been on a long road ride in about 5 months, and the longest ride I did last year was about 67Continue reading “Journal Recovery, riding sans alcohol”

March 10, 2023 2:41amI went to bed around 8:30 last night. I was exhausted and depleted. I had a dream featuring Popeye, which was interesting. I hadn’t dreamt about any cartoons since I was a child, I think. Popeye was trying to help me with a problem, but he wasn’t having much success initially. PopeyeContinue reading “Journal Recovery, climbing up from the ashes”

March 9, 2023 7:50amThinking about my mother on the drive to work today. She beat me into submission almost daily. She played mental abuse games with me every day without exception. No one was allowed to disagree with or stand up to her; the consequences were nuclear if anyone dared to even look at herContinue reading “Journal Recovery, no blood but mine in my veins”

March 9, 2023 Waking up, I’m thinking about yesterday and the many different dimensions it had. It started out anxious, then became hopeful, then the hope was rewarded with joy, then there was exhaustion mixed with happiness and connection, then the happiness faded away leaving only exhaustion and emptiness when I went to bed. AtContinue reading “Journal Recovery, ’cause it’s all right”