Journal Recovery, tell it to the judge

3.1.2023

5:15am

Suddenly the gnawing is just…gone. This might be only temporary, but…Woohoooooo! I think I am healing!!!

7:55am

I watched the Season 3 opener of The Mandalorian. It didn’t move the story much further, but was fun to watch nonetheless.

It occurs to me that I know very little about love, because love was withheld from me purposely as part of my childhood indoctrination. I know that I like the feeling and crave it, but that is pretty much the extent of my knowledge. I know that the feelings of loneliness and needing love will never go away unless I help others in need with their problems. I want to help people to navigate the systems of living and loving, and be sort of a love pilot if you will. In this way I believe I can complete my healing journey and find my true self. I know it will take years of work and training, but I’m willing to put in the time.

9:07am

Getting myself psyched to do a long spinning workout. The X23 manifesto is running through my head.

10:29am

Crushed the workout. Now I’m an exhausted shell of a man…in a good way though.

Journal Recovery, how do you do

2.28.2023

1:01pm

Now that I’ve gotten a taste of what quitting alcohol is like, I feel really really bad for other people. I know other people are having a much harder time than I am, and it makes me cry just to think about it.

It will take me a while to build the emotional muscles to take on heavy feelings without just bawling my head off. I understand that. I’m willing to put in the work if it means I won’t ever drink again.

1:23pm

I just realized all the people that I really lean on for emotional help are women. I wonder why that is?

6:32pm

I was struck just now by a memory of being 9 years old and terrified of the dark. It’s a painful, shameful memory, because at that age I made the mistake of confessing my fear to my parents, who ridiculed me and called me a crybaby for being afraid of the dark.

Recently I was told that the only good way to alleviate my suffering was to help alleviate the suffering of others. I believe that’s true, to a degree at least if not fully.

8:46pm

I think I’m just now starting to get better. I say that because I was able tonight to find satisfaction in little things: the way my charcoal grill smells when I cook on it, the way my raised bed garden looks, the feel of a cold breeze on my face, etc. It isn’t much, but it’s a small sign that there’s light at the end of the tunnel of my freakout mode.

9:33am

As I was falling asleep I had the happiest dream. A huge ship appeared suddenly in Puget Sound, but it wasn’t just a boat. It was a starship, shaped roughly like a cobra’s head . Nobody really knew what to think as the starship docked near Seattle. Then the ship opened and beings started filing out of the ramp. Instantly the humans felt at ease and that the visitors were friendly, bringing us help and knowledge. And then I spotted Her among the visitors. She appeared as a halo of light atop a large metal ring. My heart soared with joy at the sight of Her, because She had come into my world to be with me and counsel me. That’s when I woke up.

Journal Recovery, take 5

4:00am
I’m up after about 6 hours of sleep, the most I’ve had in several days. Fell asleep after crying about an hour solid last night. I feel as raw and unkempt as a rafter on Day 6 on the river. This river is pure Class V rapid, merciless, unforgiving. I know I have the kayaking chops to survive it, I just can’t help but wonder, why does it rage?

The voice in my head I call Timothy (see past blog post https://bikenewbie.com/2021/10/11/we-voice-our-inner-dumbo-all-the-time-lets-give-timothy-a-voice-too/), is of no assistance here. In fact, Timothy is gone entirely from my head, and I fear I killed him inadvertently when I killed Blackout Mike back on January 13. I call for Timothy but there is no answer. He always used to have answers for Dumbo. He’s gone now. Dumbo needs to figure out shit on his own, on this Class V rapid.

This river is stark and brutal and trying to kill this poor navigator, but really quite beautiful in spite of it all. I actually don’t mind being a river rat with my secondhand gear, my stubbled face, my thousand yard stare. It’s a look that works for me. I have no food with me, but there is plenty that swims in this river and grows on its banks for me to eat.

4:35am
To calm myself I’m trying an exercise where I name all the sounds I hear.
Cars on the road outside, refrigerator, ceiling fan, tinnitus, breathing, joints popping, rain in the gutters, tap of my thumbs as I type on my phone, creak of my shoe, my shifting in my leather chair, swallowing, another two cars, knuckle popping, refrigerator clicking off.

It worked pretty well calming me down, actually.

The gnawing in my chest, as unpleasant as it might be, serves to remind me I am human. This pain can fuel some of the best writing and music I’ve ever made. That’s the glass half full of it. The glass half empty is I still need to pay the bills, and the way to do that is to appear normal. That’s my mission for now: wear the disguise and go through the motions, but still feel the feelings that a true dreamer must feel in order to dream in technicolor.

5:51am
Everybody loves a polka!

The Sober Polka (to the tune of the “Man Show” Theme)

Cry yourself to sleep at night,
Break some dishes, pick a fight,
Sober Polka

Crank Adele while in your car,
Question everything you are,
Sober Polka

Sleep a couple hours and that’s all, boy,
Wake up crying, wishing for a tallboy

Torture just to know yourself,
Say you’re working on your health,
Sober Polka!

Journal Recovery, X23

It dawned on me, as I was thinking of what to say for my weekly meeting, that I should be writing this shit down. I will do my best to start journaling religiously.

It’s my Day 45. The poison is leaving me and I can feel it finally. By poison I don’t exactly mean alcohol…I mean the lie that we’ve been told since childhood, that it’s possible to feel a sensation like love without actually loving or being loved…that one just needs a chemical, a product, a job, or a process (gambling) to feel love. It’s a multi-trillion-dollar lie.

When we finally realize the lie for what it is, we can focus on the basics of love. For me, I have to start over at Square One: learning how to love myself. I was not allowed to show any emotion other than hate for our enemies. Consequently, I am now emotionally stunted.

Thought For The Day: the end is always a beginning and the beginning is always an end.

10:07 am
I received more counseling references from my EAP. Nice! I called the first number and the therapist picked up the phone…a live person! It was so nice to talk to a live human voice. She seems very caring and I’ve set up an appointment with her next week. Fingers crossed that counseling with her works out….

11:36 am
Felt a panic attack coming on, like I can’t do this. But I breathed and repeated my mantra, and things improved quickly. I still feel a sort of gnawing at my soul, not like anxiety or fear or any strong emotion, just a gnawing.

4:07 pm
Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it; other times I’m “of course I can do it, no sweat”. Right now I feel like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone. Incomplete. The gnawing is still there. I can concentrate on work for snatches of time, a half hour here, forty-five minutes there. But that’s it. Also I go from exhausted to jittery to exhausted again. I don’t dare think about falling off the wagon…but the lack of sufficient sleep is getting to me.

Belzin Cathat, Ch. 2

The Congolese Athlete

Managing Mash all day was a routine and stable job, but not without its frustrations for Belzin.  For one thing, the Mash workers at the refinery were starting to act too human, in other words, too self-preserving.  The Mash weren’t perfectly self-aware (not as far as Belzin could tell, anyway), but that didn’t mean they were stupid.  They were built to learn and to do tasks “smarter not harder”.  Unfortunately some of their tasks were very hard, very hazardous, and taxing on the robots’ many high-maintenance parts; these were the tasks many of the Mash went to great lengths to try to get out of doing.  Mash didn’t understand everything, but at least some of them understood their design lives were finite, and that they would likely be shorter the more risks they took and the more times they were repaired.  For example, on the days scheduled for changing out the high-pressure methane tanks (days infamous for explosions and parts-melting mishaps) Belzin noticed a larger-than-normal percentage of the crew reporting in with mysterious “battery communication loss” and “software corruption” ailments, which mysteriously resolved themselves somehow by the next shift.  Getting them to grit their robot teeth and just get the job done was proving harder and harder for Belzin.

Otherwise, Belzin’s career in the carbon energy field was fairly humdrum, but the pay was good.  Anything that could be burned was a valuable fuel…coal, oil, gas, captured methane, biowaste, wood, you name it.  Sure, it was wreaking havoc on Earth’s climate (depending on whom you asked), but no one left on Earth was in much of a position to try and change that.  Pretty much all of the Sumpsti, and now quite a few of the Pefelsti, had relocated to Mars where there were already three cities and six more were actively being built.  Everyone on Mars could still Meto just as they did on Earth, so they were still very much in the public eye of the Earthlings.  And just about everyone not on Mars dreamed of being there soon, or maybe their children or grandchildren would go there.  Belzin did not yet have any children or even a significant other, but wondered if their unborn children would grow up to be Martians.

In the meantime, before Belzin would meet that special someone (which I probably don’t have to tell you was extremely difficult when no one could tell much about Belzin’s gender, sexual orientation or background), life was kind of boring.  So when Belzin saw the post on the company bulletin board “Host an International Player for the Edmonton Ents 2 Team!” they were intrigued by it.  They were a big football (not Canadian or American football, real football) fanatic and followed several international leagues.  The best players from the Premier Leagues were on Mars now and playing in the MPL, but everyone could still watch their games in Meto.  What would it be like to host a player for the local franchise’s minor league team, who was perhaps headed for a big league or even someday for Mars?  Exciting!  But the doubts came too:  who knows what country they’d be from, who knows what kind of food they’d eat or how they would smell, and there was at least the possibility they didn’t wear a lonk off the pitch.  What would Belzin do then?  They had an old lonk with a slow connection that was very out of style, that Belzin kept as a backup in case of emergency…they supposed the football player could borrow that one in a worst-case scenario.  But Belzin had to admit to theirself that would just be…weird.  Still, it was exciting to think about the possibility of having company and simultaneously learning about another country’s ways.

After a particularly stressful day at work, when nothing seemed to go right and there wasn’t another human within earshot to complain to, Belzin saw the post again and captured the link.  They rushed to Meto at the first opportunity and signed up to host an international player for the Ents 2 Team.  For a few weeks, nothing happened.  Belzin wondered for weeks if their application got lost in the shuffle, or if the Ents had more than enough hosts for their international players.  Then, one Guede (Thursday) the news arrived as a blip in the corner of their lonk-vision:  Belzin had been selected for the hosting program and had already been assigned the player!

They were so thrilled and impatient to read the post, they immediately flashed over to Meto (committing a cardinal sin within the refinery…during work hours one could only visit Flak, the company’s strictly-work-related metaverse…visits to Meto were frowned upon at best) to view the details.  There, an avy congratulated Belzin on being selected, went over a few rules and guidelines with them, and let Belzin know that their guest player was to be Michel Defassi, a 19-year-old male from Congo-Brazzaville.  The avy pulled up a life-size rendering of Defassi in his school uniform (not his football team uniform as Belzin was expecting), with no lonk.  Belzin was filled with a strange combination of dread, curiosity, and adventure at seeing an adult, a stranger, not covered by the anonymity of a lonk image.  Of course, the game of football was played without lonks…it would be nearly impossible to judge the position of a player’s head or feet with a lonk, and would be tantamount to cheating.  But camera closeups of the players were rare, so there wasn’t much to see anyway beyond the skin tones and hairstyles of individual players on the pitch.  And once they were off the pitch and out in the world, the Sumpsti players Belzin watched were always wearing their lonks.

Belzin peered at the hologram of Defassi and studied his facial expression carefully.  There was something there, several somethings actually, behind those all-too-real eyes:  a steady sureness, a calmness, a serenity, but also a fiery determination, a strong and unflinching will…a storm.

Belzin Cathat, Ch. 1 of 3

Belzin Cathat

  1. The Way of the Lonk

Belzin Cathat opened their eyes reluctantly to the brightness of the morning sun.  It was late April in Alberta, and the mornings were rapidly arriving earlier and earlier.  They rolled out of bed, padded over to the bathroom, urinated, and put on their lonk.  There was still a little time before the commute over to the refinery, where Belzin supervised a crew of Mash; enough time for some breakfast and Metoing before work.  They slew a few dragons and said hi to a few peers, and heard a little news about their favorite Sumpsti before coming back to Gido and motoring off to work.

Now, a few of the words in the previous paragraph should probably be explained to folks living prior to the Martian emigration era.  Firstly and most importantly, lonk.   A lonk is a wearable device that projects a responsive, interactive hologram concealing the appearance and voice of the wearer.  In the time of this story, in most developed countries a lonk is like underclothing in that no one removes it in any setting save for the most intimate and private.  It is unlike clothing in that it does not protect or warm the wearer in any way.  The wearing of a lonk is not required by law, but everyone in civilized society does.  It’s just weird not to.  There are a handful of fringe groups and deviants who go lonkless, but it would be almost the equivalent of a nudist or anarchist movement in our times…generally undesirable and looked down upon.  With a lonk worn and powered on, a human has no gender, no ethnicity, no age other than 13+, no sex, no body type, and no race to anyone but their immediate family (and, ostensibly, anyone who has seen them naked).  The image the lonk projects is something like an elegant statue:  luminous, graceful, of a uniform height and build, and beautiful yet androgenous in all respects.  The better lonks even have automatic word usage corrections and movement adjustors, along with the standard auto-translators and background-projecting “shrink/swellers” that hide excess height or weight or (if needed) add height or bulk to the wearer.  All lonks are communication devices as well as projectors (and identification), taking the wearer to the virtual or online world (Meto) on command in a flash, and bringing them back to Gido (the physical world) just as quickly.  The same lonk appears on the wearer in Meto (usually) that is worn in Gido, although anything is possible for a price, just as it is now.  Everyone’s pronouns are they/them, and everyone’s name ends in the neutral “-in”.

One thing (probably the only thing) the lonk makes immediately apparent is the wearer’s socio-economic class.  The Sumpsti are the highest class more or less equivalent to our celebrities, leaders, pro athletes and others regularly in the news.  Sumpsti lonks are the skin color of glowing caramel mocha with dazzling white teeth, perfect jet-black hair, and the trendiest clothes, although the more flamboyant Sumpsti such as famous artists and musicians are allowed to sport more daring designs.  The Pefelsti are the prominent scientists, lawyers, and businesspeople of the world more or less equivalent to our white-collar class (although there are relatively few of them in Belzin’s time).  Pefelsti lonks are typically a subdued but nonetheless radiant gold, silver, or copper, and usually feature generously-cut, flowing robes.  The Kevult (of which Belzin and almost every human on Earth is a member) are basically the working class, and the overwhelming majority of the work has to do with maintaining, managing, and repairing Mash (robots, although the term Mash also applies to any machine or artificial intelligence).  The Kevult wear lonks that are typically simple, blocky, and composed of primary colors, although some Kevult lonks are the most beautiful, inventive, and clever of all.  Mash are strictly forbidden from the wearing of lonks, or from affirmatively impersonating a human in any other way…any Mash who break this law or do not immediately identify as Mash upon request (in either Gido or Meto) are subject to instant destruction without trial, and aiding or abetting a Mash in such a charade carries a life sentence for humans. 

In other words, the human world is strictly off-limits to Mash with the exception of labor provided directly to humans.

The Neurocycle: Day 63 of 63

Finale

When I started this Neurocycle back in mid-October, days were a lot longer and warmer. There seemed to be less to worry about, although there was still plenty. And I was miserable. The doomscrolling I engaged in upon waking up set the tone for my every day. I would get upset or despondent and wouldn’t know why.

I still get upset about things, for sure. But somehow it’s different now: I am more mindful about the reasons why, and I am also just a bit more detached, as if it’s someone else who is experiencing these negative feelings and I am merely deciphering them.

It doesn’t sound like much, but it makes me happy. Or happier at the very least.

I have also set two ambitious goals for myself for 2022: ride the equivalent of 2,789 miles and write a rough draft of a novel. Both will take a lot of persistence and focus, and both are very doable for me. I was watching the OSU/UO football game a month ago when a feeling struck me out of nowhere…it’s hard to put it into words other than to say everything is going to be all right, which doesn’t do the feeling justice. My team lost the game but I wasn’t sad or angry. Anyway, that feeling has lasted about a month so I’ve just been surfing on it. Feel free to surf with me; the water’s fine.

Here endeth the lesson. Here beginneth the next chapter.

The Neurocycle: Day 62 of 63

Writing a Book

Writing fiction can be fun and rewarding, but it can also be frustrating if your motivation and direction fail you. Here are three basic questions to help lay foundations and establish overall sideboards.

1. Whom Are You Writing About? As humans, our stories don’t have to be about humans but our characters have to at least have human qualities. Who is the main character? What are they like? What strengths and (more importantly) flaws do they possess? Why do we care about them?

2. What Happens To The Character(s)? This is the plot of the story. In a good story, the something that happens is almost always bad or at least challenging. Stories are about characters living through adversity. That is how we see our own lives and the world generally. Having a good idea about what will happen is critical to getting started on a story.

3. How Does #2 Above Change The Folks In #1? I once read that a good story is like a good airplane flight. It takes off from one place, flies through the air, and lands somewhere else. It’s good to start out with a strong idea of that somewhere else. It doesn’t have to be geographically different, of course. In many good stories, the characters simply grow up mentally and emotionally. In almost all stories the change is for the better (there are rare exceptions such as The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka). But the important thing is something has become different; you can’t simply do a perfect rewind to the beginning (just like life).

Here endeth the lesson on writing a book.

The Neurocycle: Day 61 of 63

Penguins

When you think of penguins, chances are you picture the emperor penguin or something very similar, fishing the icy Antarctic waters or braced together against cruelly cold winds. But did you know almost all species of penguin live in temperate climates? A statistically more accurate picture of a penguin would be off the coasts of South America or New Zealand or Cape Horn in Africa, plying their trade in cool water with conifer forests in the distance.

Reading about penguins, as a group they are an impressive lot. Only one species, the Galapagos Penguin, is ever found north of the Equator, and that one just barely so. All penguins are flightless, being adapted for swimming gracefully and speedily through pounding ocean surf. They spend roughly half of their entire lives in the water, the other half on land. Penguins typically are monogamous, forming strong pair bonds and keeping them for many years. Because they tend to live on patches of rough, hard-to-access shoreline as a predator avoidance strategy, most have never encountered a human, and penguins are famously curious and unafraid when the rare human approaches (you should not approach penguins, even so).

Many of the dozens of penguin species are designated as Endangered, Threatened, or in some kind of sensitive status. Their main habitat, the ocean, is changing and not for the better. Antarctic penguins are losing more critical sea ice every year. Hopefully we can hang onto the penguin populations we have until things like climate change can be slowed and reversed.

Here endeth the lesson on penguins.

The Neurocycle: Day 60 of 63

Oak savanna

When you think of savanna, your mind probably takes you to East Africa and imagines places such as the Serengeti Plain with lions, gazelles, baboons, and other exotic species. But did you know savannas are part of the native North American landscape? In the Pacific Northwest, where conifer forests are assumed to be the natural habitat everywhere by default, oak savanna and prairie made up as much as one-quarter of the land area historically. These native habitats were maintained in an early seral state for thousands of years thanks to active management by Indigenous tribes.

Unfortunately conversion to crop agriculture, fire exclusion, and development have rendered oak savanna areas all but extinct in the Pacific NW, and currently only about 0.1% of the historic acreage remains intact. Sensitive species like the acorn woodpecker and western gray squirrel depend heavily on intact savanna and prairie for survival. The Nature Conservancy has placed Oregon white oak savanna on its list of Most Endangered Habitats worldwide, at number 4.

There is hope, however. Groups such as the Audubon Society, Greenbelt Land Trust, and Willamette Partnership work actively to protect and restore oak savanna in the Pacific NW. Programs such as the Oak Accord are pledging thousands of acres to the return of savanna and prairie on the landscape. More and more, fire management is being accepted as a traditional and highly effective method of vegetation control, habitat enhancement and fire risk reduction. Someday people in North America may associate savanna with animals like black tailed deer and streaked horned lark as much as impalas and giraffes.

Here endeth the lesson on oak savanna.