Rationalization
Have you ever done something you weren’t particularly proud of, or failed to do something you would have been proud to do, and then offered explanations for not only (1) why things happened that way but also (2) how your transgression or failure was justified or how it’s not such a big deal after all? Sure, we all have done this, and it’s called rationalization.
Humans have a few basic needs, and one of these needs is esteem. To be functional and happy we need esteem from our fellow humans and from ourself. When we do something bad (or fail to do something good), this produces cognitive dissonance, because we need to believe we are worthy of esteem, yet our actions/omissions are not worthy of esteem. So, to make our actions/omissions line up with our beliefs, we rationalize them as a defense mechanism. Any behavior can be rationalized, by any person. Often the victim in an abusive relationship will rationalize the abuser’s behavior, because the truth of the abuse (the abuser’s wrongdoing) is too hard to confront: “S/he has just been under a lot of stress lately”, or “I had that coming; my mouth gets me into trouble sometimes.”
An important point is that rationalizing is not the same as lying, denials, or covering up behavior. Instead, rationalization, while accepting the fact that the behavior happened, paints the behavior in a light that is socially and morally justified or otherwise acceptable. Another important point is that rationalizations are often true and perfectly adequate reasons behind our behavior. Not to rationalize rationalization, though!
Two major types of rationalization are called “sour grapes” and “sweet lemons”. The sour grapes method is named after Aesop’s fable where the fox, trying repeatedly in vain to reach some juicy grapes on a vine, finally gives up and explains his quitting by saying “those grapes were probably sour anyway.” The sweet lemons method is the same as sour grapes but in reverse: when a bad event befalls someone, they rationalize it by saying “it’s actually better this way”, or “everything happens for a reason”, or “this has been a great opportunity to learn a lesson”. Again, not to rationalize rationalization, but these are often perfectly valid and acceptable.
So when is rationalization not perfectly valid or acceptable? The answer depends on whom you ask. My answer is that, if you find yourself or someone else rationalizing the same behavior repeatedly in a pattern (or rationalizing the pattern itself), it could be a sign of problem behavior. For example, rationalizing one occurrence (“I drank/ate too much last night, but it was my birthday after all”) may not signal a problem, but rationalizing a lot of pattern occurrences (“I drink/eat when I’m stressed out to take the edge off”) may, and rationalizing the same kind of occurrence multiple times in a year/month/week may also.
Finally, if we discover a habit of rationalizing bad behavior, how does one go about breaking that habit? One way is to ask oneself, “Is this really the person I want to be? Is transgressing, and then rationalizing, a behavior of my best self?” Another way is to, whenever tempted to formulate a rationalization, formulate an apology instead. If tempted to rationalize another’s behavior, ask them for an apology instead…you may not get one but you will put that person on notice that you don’t find their behavior justifiable or excusable. And the real answer to all of this is to seek and get help.
Here endeth the lesson on rationalization.
Bike Newbie 