4:48am
Embrace what serves you and use it. Let go of the rest and don’t give it another thought.
12:25pm
The gnawing is back. I know I’m going to be OK though. It’s making my heart race, but my heart can handle it. It’s a really strong heart. It has a lot left to give. I may end up writing quite a bit more than I thought I would today. I keep thinking about the good people in my life…they don’t always give me what I want in the moment, but they always give me what I need for the long haul. I’m eternally grateful for them. I’m going to have to ask a few of them for help here soon, which is going to be really difficult for me to do. I’m not used to asking for help.
I picture myself howling. Not like a dog or wolf would howl, more like the deep feedback of an electric guitar through a Marshall amp. It’s a howl that jars people, gets on their nerves. It’s a soulful but distorted howl. That’s my howl.
I imagine getting advice from a woman I love, trust and respect. She tells me to be kinder to myself, cut myself a little slack. I joke and say “What? You want me to cut myself?” She doesn’t laugh. She says, “You heard me.” Then she hugs me tightly before letting me go.
I don’t know why any of this is happening. For some reason I needed to make it happen, and so I made it happen. It will only get better from here.
3:17pm
I got a perfect score on my annual review from my supervisor. I wanted to tell her “Next year I’ll be even better because I’ll be sober” but I don’t dare. I never drank or was drunk during work hours, so it wouldn’t matter to her anyway. For about a half hour after my review, I was on cloud nine. Now, almost an hour later, I’m crashing after that high. I haven’t taken anything at all or drank, it’s just raw emotion magnified. I’m still happy about it, it’s just that physically I am crashing.
4:21pm
I used to look with disdain at people who needed help with addiction or mental health issues. I won’t do that ever again. Poetic Justice is a bitch. I am getting help though. In just over six days I’ll be sitting with a professional. I have in my wildland firefighting times gone 21 days in Hell without rest or hygiene or palatable food. Six days is nothing. And it isn’t Hell it’s just uncomfortable. Get tough Michael you fucking pussy ass bitch. Sight it, go! Also, you did the math wrong it’s only 5 days!! 😉
5:27pm
One nice thing about losing your marbles is you have all this frantic energy you can use to fuel epic workouts. I have been destroying my 45 minute spinning workouts all this week, and also destroying my calves. Tomorrow will be a recovery day (get it? Hahahaha). Another nice thing is you aren’t often hungry. My clothes are fitting looser on me which I have to admit is a good thing that I like. I can probably cope with the crazy if it means I lose 70 pounds.
I wonder if dogs ever get like I have gotten. When I get a dog, whenever that will be, I will name it Tetsuo (male or female) and probably go for a Siberian husky. I am going to spoil Tetsuo. Tetsuo won’t be lonely.
Bike Newbie 