Author Archives: oregonmikeruby

It occurs to me, as I wake up in a cold, clean house in the country: I’ve been focusing on that which is wrong at present. I should give some time and attention to that which is right. It will do me some good, and I can always come back to that which is wrongContinue reading “Journal Recovery, you get what you need”

March 3, 2023 7:30pm The pizza was so dank, so good. As I ate I thought, I have a lot of learning to do. The most important thing to learn, I think, is how to be nice. To everyone including myself. 8:17pm Watching the Vegas Golden Knights game on TV with my wife, it hitContinue reading “Journal Recovery, nemure Tetsuo”

7:50amAfter a pleasant early morning, the gnawing came back, more brutal than ever this time. It tore at me and slashed my soul open, forcing me into convulsions of crying for minutes at a time. This lasted for about an hour, and my whole drive to work was through the blur of tears. But somethingContinue reading “Journal Recovery, what do you think Richard Parker?”

4:13am It occurs to me that one day I’ll look back through these Journal Recovery posts from a different place. How will they look? What will they sound like if I read them aloud in one year, three years, five years, ten years? It’s tough to say, but I think Future Me will be aContinue reading “Journal Recovery, bloodclot I can see 360”

9:17pmI feel like a teenager again in some ways, like how I felt before I ever used alcohol. I think this is a better me even though it isn’t pleasant. Being a teenager isn’t pleasant either. I have more energy and I seek creative inputs and outputs much more freely. And I rock. I rockContinue reading “Journal Recovery, the laddie reckons himself a poet”

8:24pm I just had a tiny bit of an epiphany. Some of these anxious, doom-y, dread-y thoughts and feelings seemed all too familiar to me. Not all of them, but maybe 20% of them. But I could not piece together where I knew them from. Tonight I had the urge to listen to the albumContinue reading “Journal Recovery, now I’m finding truth is a ruin”

4:48am Embrace what serves you and use it. Let go of the rest and don’t give it another thought. 12:25pm The gnawing is back. I know I’m going to be OK though. It’s making my heart race, but my heart can handle it. It’s a really strong heart. It has a lot left to give.Continue reading “Journal Recovery, I’m real I’m real”

I killed the part of me I call Blackout Mike; this was the part that believed the lie about chemicals substituting for love as a basic human need. He wasn’t an evil person, he was just too weak to thrive in this world. He did not serve me. As proof of my honor and compassion,Continue reading “Journal Recovery, the Wake for Blackout Mike”

3.2.2023 3:47am I do this (journaling) not because it necessarily feels good or because I have anything profound to say, but because it seems to help with the anxiety and rage. It reminds me that the power to heal, to change, to embrace truth, all of it resides in me. I am consciously choosing theseContinue reading “Journal Recovery, what is your emergency”

1:20pm Arrived late to a work meeting on the OSU campus. There was nowhere to park and they had also changed meeting rooms without notice. My lateness made an already awkward situation incredibly awkward-er. So frustrating! I hate being here now and am not optimistic about the meeting outcomes. 2:33pm Still in the work meeting.Continue reading “Journey Recovery, quality is job 1”